spoiler visualizarMarcy 10/03/2022
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?I don?t remember wrong,? he says, walking ahead and not even bothering to look back at me as he speaks. ?You?re the one with the bad memory.?
?Oh, I see,? I say, mocking him. ?Just because I lost my keys this morning, suddenly, I?m an idiot??
Most nights, it was one or two other people and me, a dynamic in which I thrived. I was good in small groups. I could shine when I didn?t have to struggle to be heard.
?You need a plan. What if you sleep with him too soon or too late??
But I really didn?t think there was a too soon or too late. I was so confident about Ryan, so confident in myself, that something about it seemed foolproof. As if I could already tell that we were so good together we couldn?t mess it up if we tried.
I?m not sure what it is about me that insists that he say every little thing in his head. But when we fight like this, I can?t stand to see him hold back. You know why? I know why. It?s because if you?re really holding back, you don?t even start to say it. But that?s not what he does. He does this little song and dance where he pretends he?s not going to say something, but it?s clear that eventually, he?s going to say something.
Sometimes people do things because they are furious or because they are upset or because they are out for blood. And those things can hurt. But what hurts the most is when someone does something out of apathy.
I think of the way it used to be, the way fights used to keep us up all night and into the morning. The way we couldn?t sleep on our anger, couldn?t put it on hold.
I think that?s important. Neither of us suggested it. Neither of us said that this thing we have together, this thing that we have broken and is no longer working, neither of us said that we should throw it away.
Maybe I need the truth more than I need to hear what I want to hear. Maybe there is almost never a time when you don?t need the truth. Or maybe it?s just that you need the truth the most at the times you think you don?t want to hear it. "
His handwriting is so childish. Men?s handwriting is rarely identifiable by any sense of masculinity. It?s only identifiable by the lack of sophistication. They must decide in sixth grade to start worrying about other things.
When you don?t have anyone to witness how dirty you are, you find out how truly dirty you are willing to be.
Hearing my fifty-nine-year-old mother use the word boyfriend is jarring. We need a new word for two older people who are dating. Shouldn?t our vocabulary grow with the times? Who is taking care of this problem?
But it would be nice to feel as if I was one of them. That way, I?d have a road map. I?d be able to know what happens next. I?d be able to ask someone what I should do, and they could answer me, truly answer me.
?Isn?t it nice,? he says, ?once you?ve outgrown the ideas of what life should be and you just enjoy what it is??
I believe, on some level, that thoughts become words, and words become actions.
Maybe needing someone isn?t about not being able to do it without them. Maybe needing someone is about it being easier if they are by your side.
?Just because you can live without someone doesn?t mean you want to,?
?It doesn?t make any sense,? Charlie says, shaking his head. ?How our dad could have left. It doesn?t make any sense, Lauren.?
?I know,? I say.
Charlie looks at me. ?No, you don?t,? he says. It?s not accusatory. It?s not pointed. He is merely telling me that there is an experience in this world that he understands more intimately than I do. He?s letting me know that as much as I think I get it, there is a world of love out there, a world of deep, unending, unconditional dedication that I know not of.
And the other little piece of information that I think you need to know is that there are no rules in marriage. I know it would be easier if there were. I know we all sometimes hope for them; cut-and-dried answers would make the decisions easier. Black-and-white problems would be simpler to solve. But there simply isn?t a rule that works for every marriage, for every love, for every family, for every relationship.
All that matters in this life is that you try. All that matters is that you open your heart, give everything you have, and keep trying.