Submarine

Hello. I’m Oliver Tate, the protagonist. I am likely to use a word like protagonist and, moments later, a word like twonk. My ambitions are as follows:


1. To find out why my father sometimes stays in bed for days at a time.

2. to find out why my mother’s getting surfing lessons — and probably more — from a hippy-looking twonk.

3. To lose my virginity before it becomes legal — in just over a year.

I am monitoring my parents’ intimacy via the dimmer switch in their bedroom. I know when they have been at it because the next morning the dial will be set to halfway (romance lighting). My parents have not had sex in two months which, my research suggests, points towards impending marital breakdown.

I will employ various techniques to save their relationship. I have read the book Simple Methods – Super Marriages. I know how important it is to go on outings. I know about feng shui and that peach-coloured wall furnishings can encourage affairs.

There are other, lesser characters in the book: Jordana, who is my love interest, despite her eczema. Zoe, whose only real school friend is a dinner lady. I feel really sorry for Zoe, which, in turn, makes me feel better about my own life. Then there’s my friend Chips, an outstanding bully. He made our Religious Education teacher cry.

This book might not change my life. But there is no telling how you will react.