lucca 13/04/2024
He's so me
quotes:
So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I?m still trying to figure out how that could be.
My Aunt Helen was my favorite person in the whole world.
I guess I?m pretty emotional.
Dear friend,
I have finished To Kill a Mockingbird. It is now my favorite book of all time, but then again, I always think that until I read another book.
It was not like him at all to hit anybody. He was the boy that made mix tapes with themes and hand-colored covers until he hit my sister and stopped crying.
So, what?s the point of using words nobody else knows or can say comfortably? I just don?t understand that.
I think it?s nice for stars to do interviews to make us think they are just like us, but to tell you the truth, I get the feeling that it?s all a big lie. The problem is I don?t know who?s lying.
I was just kind of watching people, seeing who was in love and who was just hanging around, [...]
Incidentally, Sam has brown hair and very very pretty green eyes. The kind of green that doesn?t make a big deal about itself.
In the hallways, I see the girls wearing the guys? jackets, and I think about the idea of property. And I wonder if anyone is really happy. I hope they are. I really hope they are.
"Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve.?
"You?re a freak, you know that? You?ve always been a freak. Everyone says so. They always have.?
?I?m trying not to be.?
It?s strange because sometimes, I read a book, and I think I am the people in the book.
The great thing about Sam is that she doesn?t think I?m crazy for pretending to do things.
"I feel infinite.?
And Sam and Patrick looked at me like I said the greatest thing they ever heard.
Patrick then said something I don?t think I?ll ever forget.
"He?s a wallflower.?
[...]
"You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.?
Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing.
And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.
So, I guess Zen is a day like this when you are part of the air and remember things.
I asked Patrick if he felt sad that he had to keep it a secret, and Patrick just said that he wasn?t sad because at least now, Brad doesn?t have to get drunk or stoned to make love.
I have decided that maybe I want to write when I grow up. I just don?t know what I would write.
To tell you the truth, I love Sam. It?s not a movie kind of love either. I just look at her sometimes, and I think she is the prettiest and nicest person in the whole world. She is also very smart and fun.
There is this one photograph of Sam that is just beautiful. It would be impossible to describe how beautiful it is, but I?ll try.
If you listen to the song ?Asleep,? and you think about those pretty weather days that make you remember things, and you think about the prettiest eyes you?ve known, and you cry, and the person holds you back, then I think you will see the photograph.
It?s like he would take a photograph of Sam, and the photograph would be beautiful. And he would think that the reason the photograph was beautiful was because of how he took it. If I took it, I would know that the only reason it?s beautiful is because of Sam.
I am really in love with Sam, and it hurts very much.
I had an amazing feeling when I finally held the tape in my hand. I just thought to myself that in the palm of my hand, there was this one tape that had all of these memories and feelings and great joy and sadness. Right there in the palm of my hand.
Sam and Patrick looked at me. And I looked at them. And I think they knew. Not anything specific really. They just knew. And I think that?s all you can ever ask from a friend.
?I want to make sure that the first person you kiss loves you. Okay??
[...]
And she kissed me. It was the kind of kiss that I could never tell my friends about out loud. It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life.
I don?t feel too bad about it because I can still remember Sam?s kiss. It feels peaceful and right.
?But there?s another difference between you and her. You see? Kelly believes in women?s rights so much that she would never let a guy hit her. I guess I can?t say that about you.?
"I?m going to buy your birthday present.?
That?s the last time I ever saw her. I like to think my aunt Helen would now have that good job she was studying for. I like to think she would have met a good man. I like to think she would have lost the weight she always wanted to lose without dieting.
Sometimes, I look outside, and I think that a lot of other people have seen this snow before. Just like I think that a lot of other people have read those books before. And listened to those songs.
And all the books you?ve read have been read by other people. And all the songs you?ve loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that?s pretty to you is pretty to other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing ?unity.?
That scared me a lot. It scared me how much it scared me. Being punished for something you did not do. Or being an innocent victim. It?s just something that I never want to experience.
How many dates can you go on and still not be ready to kiss?
She also said that people who try to control situations all the time are afraid that if they don?t, nothing will work out the way they want.
I know that I brought this all on myself. I know that I deserve this. I?d do anything not to be this way. I?d do anything to make it up to everyone.
But because things change. And friends leave. And life doesn?t stop for anybody.
There?s nothing like the deep breaths after laughing that hard. Nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons. It was that great.
"I would die for you. But I won?t live for you.?Something like that. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people.
"Charlie, you?re one of the most gifted people I?ve ever known. And I don?t mean in terms of my other students. I mean in terms of anyone I?ve ever met. That?s why I gave you the extra work. I was wondering if you were aware of that??
?Charlie. Please don?t take this the wrong way. I?m not trying to make you feel uncomfortable. I just want you to know that you?re very special? and the only reason I?m telling you is that I don?t know if anyone else ever has.?
It?s strange the times people choose to be generous.
"Well, I thought a lot of things. But mostly, I thought that your being sad was much more important to me than Craig not being your boyfriend anymore. And if it meant that I would never get to think of you that way, as long as you were happy, it was okay. That?s when I realized that I really loved you.?
"You can?t just sit there and put everybody?s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can?t. You have to do things.?
"It?s just that I don?t want to be somebody?s crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don?t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. And if they do something I don?t like, I?ll tell them.?
So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we?ll never know most of them. But even if we don?t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.
Because I was standing in the tunnel. And I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite.